Monthly Archives: October 2005

Constitution of Vanhood.

The following scripture outlines codes, conduct, rules, regulations, responsibilities, clarification, and definition of Vanhood.

Being a Van
Minimum Requirement: In order to even possibly be considered a “Van”, a person’s last name begin with “V – A – N”. This is typically followed by a capital consonant; such as VanBergen, VanSoest, or VanLandschoot. This is only the first and minimum step to being ordained in vanhood.

The Basic Code of Vanhood
As a Van, one is expected to abide by the following codes:

A: Vans play video games – As a Van, one must play, enjoy, and support general video game entertainment. This may be embraced via PC, console, or handheld device.

B: Vans listen to “Disturbed” – As a Van, one MUST listen to, enjoy, and audibly consume the lyrical and musical content of the band “Disturbed”.

C: Vans enjoy fine food – As a Van, one will consume fine meals. This
typically involves eating ‘all of your food’, as well as ‘not wiping with a
napkin until you are finished with your meal’. Fine meals include
establishments such as “Jimmy John’s”, “Old Country Buffet”, and “Famous
Dave’s”
C.1 subcode – Fine meals must be finished.

D: Vans shoot weaponry – As a Van, one is expected to have shot firearm style weapon. This can be rifle, shotgun, or handgun variety. Fully automatic, sem-automatic, and even single fire weapons are successful requirements to Code “D”.

E: Vans utilize Emoticons – As a Van, one will use emoticon chat icons by ctrl + X shortcuts. These can be applied via instant messenger chats, and instant-messenger based chat rooms. Some of the more popular emoticons include the “Yelling face”, “Kissy Face”, and the elusive “Cool Face”.

F: Vans buy and watch DVD’s – A Van will buy, view, and re-view DVD’s. This typically
involves cinema titles such as “The Boondock Saints”, “Heat”, and “The
Matrix”. When viewing DVD’s, Vans typically utilize “Surround Sound” 5.1 or
6.1 audio.

G: Vans watch 24 – As a Van, one watches 24. Nothing more necessary for Code
G.

Codes A-G are only the first. There will certainly be countless amendments
and editions noted to the Basic Code of Vanhood. Amendments to the formal
Constitution of Vanhood must be submitted and agreed upon by the Knights of
Vanhood.

Degrees of VanhoodThere are varying degrees of vanhood, each requiring different characteristic of member Vans.

“Van” – The title of “Van” is achieved when a person or persons meets the minimum requirement, and upholds it with the basic code of Vanhood. “Van” is the basic title associated with Vanhood

“Knight of Vanhood” – This title is bestowed to only the
greatest Vans. As a knight of Vanhood, one upholds all basic codes of
Vanhood, and is intrumental in defining new codes. A “Knight of Vanhood”
generally goes above and beyond the call of basic Vanhood. For example, if a
fellow Van gives a valiant effort to finish a meal and fails, a Knight of
Vanhood will pick up the Vanhood slack and finish the fellow Vans meal for
him. Examples of “Knights of Vanhood” include Vanbergs, Vanlandw, and
Vanberge.

“Honorary Van” – An honorary Van includes a person who’s name
does not meet the minimum requirement of Vanhood, yet this person displays and
upholds whole Vanhood. An ‘Honorary Van’ is defined if the Knights of Vanhood agree on the status of the proposed Honorary Van. Examples of Honorary Vans include “David Draimen” of Disturbed, and Kiefer Sutherland / Jack Bauer.

Crash.

Ive been driving for 9 years. I’ve never had a ticket. Never had a fender bender. Perfectly clean driving record.

Stopped at a blinkin red light, awaiting a left turn… I see an opening, start to hit the gas… Oh, wait, im in neutral still. Woops. Put it in first, start going… dang it.. missed my chance. Now I’m sitting in the middle of the intersection, waiting to go left. Through traffics green light turns yellow… i see people stopping… I start making my left. Out of the corner of my eye, i see that a GMC jimmy has decided to speed up and attempt to make the yellow light.

bang

my car spins a 180 completely. Im ok… yep. get out, she’s ok… yep. Call 911… whats my car like? holy shit… I’m ok?? yep.

tell the cop what happened… she ran a red light… tow trucks come… chris gets there… im late for work now… wow my car is jacked…

Wow. To elaborate a bit more, both drivers ticketed… her with “Failure to yield a traffic control device” and me with FAILURE TO YIELD THE RIGHT OF WAY. Clearly i was not in the mood to argue with the officer, but that is a bullshit ticket. I did yield the right of way… I had a blinking red… the lady admitted to runnning a red light. how did i fail to ‘yield the right of way’ when she did not have the right of way?? officer dipshit. Insurance guy says “you were both ticketed???” in a surprised tone… Body shop guys says “you were both ticketed???” in a surprised tone. I am completely challenging this BS ticket.

7,300 dollars worth of damage to my car… on a road that has a posted speed limit of 35. Clearly this woman floored her GMC to plow through a ‘yellow’. But given all this… one would think that i should be irate. unbridled with fury. I am not. I have genuinely not felt any anger since this happened thursday morning. I was absolutely frightened. That was the most violent thing i have ever felt. You realize instantly that you have zero control of what is happening. She hit my rear quarter panel. What if she hit the passenger door? What if my car rolled over? What if it just jumped up on top of mine? It literally scares the shit out of me. And really there isn’t alot in life that scares me.

the car will get fixed… i will pay 500 bucks… my new exhaust is ok… i’m ok. I feel grateful in some wierd sort of way.

Wth is wrong with me

I feel that i am typically very good at looking at myself from a different perspective… That meaning, i dont have problems critisizing myself when i see something that needs it. Well, i am in desperate need of some criticism. A couple months ago, all i wanted in life was a nice new professional level digital camera. I knew i was going to buy one, i knew it was going to happen… it was just a matter of time. A couple months before that, i knew i was going to buy an Imac (20 inch, of course), i was sure of it… get a PC loan through work, spend 1800…

Here i sit, a few months later… absolutely not giving a shit about either of those things. I could care less if i have a nice digital camera (although i do still enjoy taking pictures, editing them, gallerying them, etc). But my longing for a pro/semi-pro camera has just fallen into oblivion…

Regarding a new computer, i just really dont even care. I use it to read web pages, chat on line, and dabble in the occasional graphical application of counter strike or ‘teh gimp’.

I’ve learned to tell myself… “This is probably just a ‘phase’.. you wont care about it in a couple weeks”. That really is holding to be true. I mean seriously, that is messed up. That’s something little kids do. “I want this toy, i want that toy… OH, NOPE… THIS TOY!”. Hm… hopefully it begins to subside.

The one thing i do keep coming back to though is my car. I consitently look at mods for it… and i really have an incling to mess around with it.. Adding things, taking things off, ‘tuning it’. I started this with the K&N cold air intake, and now have followed that up by ordering a Greddy SP2 performance exhaust. This exhaust adds 5.5 horsepower to the wheels, so thats about 7-8 hp at the crank. Combined with the K&N’s 6 to the wheels, thats about a 10% horsepower increase. It shipped today… should be on this weekend πŸ™‚

I spend so much time reading about parts for my car, what they do, how they work, etc, etc… 100% guaranteed this is inspired purely by my father, but i guess there are alot worse things i could be spending my time and money on. This is a lame ass boring update.

  • Watching Prison break
  • Reading scionlife
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